Thursday, September 18, 2014

In Delirium




In my moments of insomniac delirium, I often toss and turn around in my bed. Waking up in between to scribble or draw something. As a student my parents used to buy the thickest of registers for me. My registers just finished and if you stack the registers one over the other I am sure you will find a lofty loft thing overreaching me in height (Though I do not have a great height to boast of). My parents believed I was doing maths, solving equations in physics and meanwhile they were true to an extent but half of my register was dedicated to scribblings and drawings.

These registers; half reason and half insane were so, me. I am defined the best by these registers. Half Logical, half insane. Half righteous, half immoral. Half slave to the norms and half rebels.

Staring at the mirror, me
The Apparition
I am saint, I am Devil.

Hanging by a thread where insanity meets sense or vice versa I have lived my life. I have used a force, a tremendous force so, that I can just be not myself because there are problems when you do not know but then there are problems when you simply know too much. They say do not peek in too much into that depth that you cannot handle but then I had to open every closed door in me and see the best and worst of me.

Time elapsed and with that time I grew more silent and more content. I looked into me and was at peace for being righteous but then when I speak and bridges are build to reach the island called me. All hell breaks and I open the doors ajar and fish out all the goodness and all the blackness in me.

Gods had foretold so, ages back
Before the Elixir
The Venom dances on the pyre.
The innocence all lost and then all tired I return back to sanity but then my sanity, my righteousness all scared and my soul all numb due to the continuous battering. I am happy somewhere finally to be myself, to breathe in this air just being what I am.

A strain of thought is now seeping into me. Innocence is being what you are, knowing what you are for real and acknowledging it and being happy for it.So, I am in a vicious cycle if I am innocent by the book then somewhere I am not being myself and if I am being myself then I do not take myself as innocent but then I become truthful and thus have an inherent innocence in me. I do not know my position in this world but yes, this much that all is well when i peep inside me and the doom I brought in by being me never actually happened.



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