Thursday, April 17, 2014

In The Midst of All Chapter One Part-Three Spring

 This is the fifth edition, For Previous happenings in the series


As I walk now, I see a myriad of faces, talking, laughing, bargaining, the season is ripe the winters are over and I can smell spring ushering its own way, The bazaar is as colourful as it should be, oranges, raspberries, apples and a tint of pear and peaches with strawberries in a little corner, cabbages, carrots all water sprinkled, and the chat wallah vending out the aroma of the season, It’s the season of  "Basant" over here, It’s the season of celebration, of bright hued colours of red, yellow, orange, blue and green are more colourful and vibrant than ever, their flamboyance has turned the sky golden pink, it’s the season to be happy, it’s a season to love………….to lose and to gain…………..and to wait………….wait for the moments which I know will never come but then I just want to be happy in the make belief that it will come and wait for them…………… amongst these faces the face I have so longed to see that its now always with me…………… I am happy that I had my moments and this one thing no one can ever take away from me as they are preserved in my heart…….embedded in the deep recesses of my soul…………… I seek out faces create a collage to make out one face I seek out colours and seek out that one colour that has coloured me forever……..that has made my blood bleed in different hues but red……………..I have been a seeker and all my life I don’t seek life but moments in life…………as I don’t live a life…………I live those moments in life………again and again till they become me and I lose my existence in them………
As I float by these scenes I remember a day in summer which brought spring in my life…………short lived but it was spring…………..

(Image Courtesy Mrs. Basanti Ghosh (Maa)

15th May 2002: “You see I look at you in five ways as a friend, a mother, as an elder sister, a younger sister and………………….well my lover”

These last words sent shiver down my spine and make me go all cold in a hot summer day- here is this person who has been my friend since I was six and my every single strain of romantic emotion started and ended with him……….his name brought in pleasure to my life “Arghya”-the water which cleanses brought in my life a hope which had in it purity undefined…..his eyes took me to a state of trance where I lost myself only to meet the person I am…………………but these eyes were now looking through me piercing me deep to get into my soul and I feel touched……….blessed…………but then how can I allow him to do so………..he can’t read me he can’t know me its prohibited I can’t let this happen………….It will break my family’s heart I can’t……….but at least I can live in the moment while it still is here for me.
“Hey it’s raining!”

“I know it always rains here in Bengal” Arghya looked a bit disappointed as in my excitement I had withdrawn my hand from his soft grip.

“But it doesn’t so often from where I come from…………… are you coming out or not!”
“No ways………….”

“Ok as you wish…..your loss not mine”

Guess he was about to say something but then I couldn’t wait after all I was all of fifteen and loved rains I stumbled down the stairs and ran barefoot to the orchard straight to the pond and then cautiously climbed down the steps making sure that I don’t fall as I don’t know how to swim. I felt water touching my feet and slowly waded in the water, it was soothing and the rain came out to be more incessant. The water was waist deep and I spread my hands wide and my head facing the sky so that I can feel the raindrops caressing me...................

I was there for maybe five minutes or so with my eyes closed suddenly I felt a hand gripping my waist and whispering softly in my ears “You don’t know how to swim………..if you fall you will die and I don’t want that turn around and hold my hand I will love to take you to the far end if you have faith in me to allow me to be the master of your life for a few moment”

I turn around and see Arghya holding me with concern and seduction mingled in his eyes………..a lethal mix and I put my hands into his only to be pulled in closer and start walking……..blankly, completely surrendering my every iota of existence to him in that moment I stare at his wet brown toned body and soak in the spiritual fire of my first mental orgasm, his eyes look satisfied as for the first time they can see through my soul as I become translucent only to mingle my existence into his…………knowing all the while that my journey to nowhere starts from here…………knowing all the while it’s the beginning of the death of my innocence…………..

“God! This winter seems to be never ending” I can’t make out what Shahin is saying

“Its spring”

“Devu are you all right, Oh no! don’t go to your Blank phase, look around you it was foggy all day and it was a bit clear just for an hour”

“Oh! I see, Tomorrow I have to go to my parent’s place”

“But you went a few days back, your seminar is day after tomorrow!” Shahin was clearly irritated and couldn't gauge the reason of my frequent visits……….

This time I don’t answer her I quietly pack all that I have, in my bag and stare blankly at everything…………No, I am not going to my parent’s home………….I am going to nowhere..... to the the avenge take a revenge on innocence did cost a lot to me............

To be continued...................

Sunday, April 13, 2014

In the Midst of all Chapter One, Part two Outwards

For Chapter One Part One Visit:

“That Discussion panel is biased” Shahin blabbering out her frustration of not giving an up to the mark presentation.
“It’s not biased. You didn’t sleep yesterday and you didn’t study. You were chatting out the night with your love of the life. So, dear you get some and you lose some” I said as a matter of fact.
“YES BECAUSE IT WAS OUR SEVENTH ANNIVERSSARY OF FIRST EYE CONTACT” Shahin turns to her ‘Oh so Bossy loud Whisper’ mode.

 This, kind of irritates me but then it’s cool.What I find amusing is her memory when it comes to remember the dates and her dementia when it comes to remember the dates of the tests.

Strange thing memory is, you remember only what you want to……………

“Why are you laughing……… was important………….but then you-wont-understand! Never been in relationship………never been in love………..”Said Shahin, watching me laugh.

 Ouch that hurts but then it’s all right. I have never been in a relationship with a real human. It’s my dreams and just a fragment of my imagination. I have never been in love as I always am falling in love.

“Hey I am sorry I didn't mean it that way………I am sorry………you OK no? I mean that you understand that I understand that it’s not your fault right?” Shahin looked genuinely sorry but for what? Oh! guess my face turned serious without even for a reason that’s so typically me I sometimes don’t know what I mean or what I do.

“Don’t be, you are right I am not in love. Who wants to be in love? When you are addicted to the feeling of getting into something new.”

“You are a b-i-t-c-h” Shahin’s reaction when I point at the guy who is sitting to a table just before us and is staring at me………and now is smiling and what made him do that was a bit of motivation, as I call it usually

“Well he is coming right?..............How do you do this? Shahin just can’t help to not know

“Well its simple I fall in love with the person for that moment”

“And what do you get out of it?”

“Nothing just for fun”

“Going at this rate you won’t be able to commit”

“Who wants to……”

As I sit there blankly, flirting a song keeps on playing in my mind “Khela Ghor Bandhte Legechi Amar Moner Bhitore……Koto raat tai tohjegechi….bolbo ki tore”…………I am building a home of mere pretenses and hopes that will never get fulfilled deep within my heart…………..That’s the reason why I am Insomniac for so many nights………how to tell you this……..”

“Hi I am Lucky” this is how this guy comes up and introduces him

“Not yet” I know it’s cheesy but I say this as it looks and sounds good when flirting

“But want to” Oh my God! ‘Super cheesy alert’, this is going to be fun.

“I am Devyani” I extend my hand to a rather prolonged handshake…interesting

“Wow interesting name…what does it mean?” Nothing interesting in it, say it directly my profile is interesting

“Charioteer of the Gods” I could seeShahin eyeing me and criticizing me a hand full

“Guess Lucky I have to leave catch you some other time here or anywhere”

“But when?”

“When we meet again” I say it while looking back as I leave.

Shahin is angry and pissed off I guess but I like it…..God! I love Pissing off friends.

To be continued............

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

In the Midst of All- Chapter- One Part one Sunlight and Shadows


"The problem with love is that it’s love and can’t be altered or tailor made to suit our needs, times and time. Its relentless, unassuming, all loosing yet all usurping, all consuming, it destroys, breaks, makes  and keeps you guessing till the end"

“This is not how we can compare Romantic tragedies with Classical Tragedies” said Shahin, peeping into the scribble I had written on my seminar paper.

Now this is Shahin eternal nosy in her best avatar! Come on, what is her problem!

"I am doing my papers, all right. I know it’s my turn next I am almost finished and I scribbled some incoherent lines. What’s the big deal in that ! Why to make a fuss out of everything. I never say anything when she talks  the whole night out speaking sweet nothings to her boyfriend while I lay dreaming waking and doing what not." I think aloud but don't gather enough courage to speak out all these to her.
”HELLO YOUR TURN NEXT” She tunes into her ‘Oh so Bossy loud Whisper’ mode.
That’s enough of a provocation to make me speak out finally." Oh God! I know’s over, see! I was writing all the while.”
“Yes but were you concentrating?”
“YESSSS” I shout back in Whisper
“Ok as you wish and think” now here’s my submissive girl (no pun intended I guess)
Ok now the moment of truth, my presentation, as I walk towards the Dias I see eyes scrutinizing me trying to guess what is in my mind but these eyes don’t turn me on as those eyes did and will always do but they are making me nervous….
“So Here is Miss Devyani Roy, with her paper hot and fresh straight out of the oven. So good for the health” Miss NJ with her sugar coated sarcastic voice which you love to hear but kind of hate to listen at least now.
 But then love costs even when it’s a dream but then who was it who was there in the end………..I know him but why he? Well let’s quit it and present the paper.

I quit my train of thoughts and present the Paper. 

“Comparison Between Oedipus and Jakarta – Oedipus Rex and Antony-Cleopatra –Antony Cleopatra”

My paper and as I read out aloud I can hear people sniggering. I know an odd subject to speak on but human relations are a bit confusing, aren't they?

“Cleopatra was a woman whose appeal, as believed never lied in her face but in her brains, she manipulated her way to Marc Antony’s heart but then chose to stay there. Their relation was mature but at the same time passionate and passion was what consumed them, their success and everything around but then they were happy to be destroyed may be knowing all the while the outcome bonded them in a lethal bond. But if we see Oedipus an Jakarta share a mature and fulfilled relation they are parents of two children and look after a land but they live the doom everyday without even knowing it, so for one its Knowledge that is bliss but for other ignorance is bliss……..”

God this paper is getting on my nerves wondering how my listeners are even liking it………………..

………….Oedipus the man who made that land fertile again in which he was sown. Anger is bad. It drastically changes your life in a moment's notice sometimes and sometimes knowledge is the poison which ignorance was saving you from.

What  would have happened if Oedipus never knew the truth? The plague would have ended and he would have reigned on. He would have reigned on with his wife. Not knowing the entire life that his children were his brother and sister and his wife was also his mother. Was it for him he had to know or it was for the world to be warned?  But then tragedies are made to warn us, to ward off our inner demons before they devour us but what’s  so wrong if we enjoy being devoured. We enjoy being destroyed, ravaged. What if pain soothes us?
“Excellent write up Devyani Roy” Rathore Sir, the first to criticize the last to praise; the perfect teacher.

Today his words brought me out of my trance. Turns out I had given my paper well and I could feel it but I can’t recall…… brain was working hard at it while my soul was somewhere else, talking to my mind. I felt lost……….maybe forever……………..

To be Continued............

For Chapter Zero, Prologue

Photo Credits: Datta Ghosh.

Sunday, April 6, 2014

seriously! Do you need to ask me all these!?

First things first, I am basically an introvert and socially awkward to the core but stupid stomach feels hungry so, I have to work and stupidest brain it works well where I have to interact the most, so, for the purpose of sustaining my livelihood I have to be lively and in the midst of all my heart and mind sustains it's inherent streak of being socially awkward. I hate people interacting with me beyond a limit and I hate the most the questions thrown at me. I just cannot get why people are so inquisitive and I cannot even fathom that why do I patiently answer them. I just cannot say a "NO, I WON'T ANSWER YOU." anyways the question which irritates me the most
 "You have been married for more than one year, Why no kids? Any problem? "
My answer: Is my child going to feed you or do you get sales incentive on how many people you convince to reproduce. Am I the last specimen of my species that if I don't reproduce we go all dodo aka extinct.

Second question: What are you going to do when you grow up?
My answer: kill you or abduct you and throw you into dungeon

Third question What 'Datta' is your name? No no it's your surname I asked what is your name,first name?
My answer: Come on do I look that dumb to you that I don't have an idea about my first name. Datta is my name period.

Fourth question: When will the road/ highway/flyover will get completed?
My answer: Well the Government, the PWD has not consulted with me regarding the matter. So, unbelievable!

Fifth question: Men hitting on me"Can we be friends?"
My answer: you mean friends with benefits. Say it you want to screw me.

Sixth question: My hostel mates"How is this soap/shampoo/deo? what have you brought from the home?
My prediction: Goodbye my shampoo,Goodbye my things, you've never been there with me much. 

Seventh question: How was your day?

My answer: I met Obama and Putin sorted out their differences.  Then I had lunch with Hugh Jackman on moon. In the evening my boss declared a salary hike of 300%.

Eighth Question: Parents" Where were you?"
My answer: Trust me you don't want to know.

Ninth Question: Where in India are you from?
My Answer: From India does the part matter?

Tenth question: Why don't you talk more smile more?
My reaction: Blank stare till you don't think I am crazy and leave

Thursday, April 3, 2014

In Midst of All- Chapter-Zero, Prologue

This is the second part in the story for earlier part and happenings visit Chapter- Minus One, Beginnings

"Now what was that?" was her first reaction.

 She scanned the scene around her. The first thing she noticed was a stagnant ceiling fan and then she felt that she was perspiring heavily. There was no one in the room, she was alone. She scanned the window, it was dawn. She intently looked towards the door and strained her eyes but to no avail, no one there.........

Then it slowly came to her; she was dreaming. She was sleeping and it took her some time to come to the reality from her sleep. For the first few seconds (even minutes) she could not gather where she was,what time,year it was, what was she doing and even who exactly she was?................

"But then,......Oh my God! I slept and my paper............. its i-n-c-o-m-p-l-e-t-e and who will help me?? Oh me, myself, how can I be so stupid??" was her first normal strain of thought seeping in slowly in her conscious self and this was enough to bring her back into reality.

 She felt a cold chill running down her spine, her flesh burning under her skin. She rubbed her palm against her arms vigorously to ward off that feeling; the burning sensation but no, it didn't do off. Her heart started to sting a bit and then she closed her eyes to gulp in a deep breath but it won't come to her.

It has been like that since she could remember..........It has been there with her..........and the best and worst of it.......she knew what it exactly was? it was an anxiety attack setting her teeth into her very conscious.......

Musings Of a Delirious Mind

I will sound so predictable if I say hills give us a much needed respite from the materialistic world. So, let's pragmatically avoid it and instead let me tell you about my delirious fickle mind which though is in a number crunching realm but is never there actually. My mind has a mind of its own, funny but true its a separate entity but then its true. It has the strangest calculations and stranger missions to accomplish. My body actually houses two individuals and yes, I have been counseled and very vehemently told that I am not crazy.

I love confusion, turbulence; they give me peace. They are my ultimate aphrodisiac. All go for a holiday to find peace, I take a break to disturb my peaceful existence.And my peace was finally broken, after years of hibernation I was finally wide awake my mind was again back to my normal sense of turbulence.

I knew the travel will be hectic twenty hours in a train all alone and then a fourteen hour bus journey the next day and the sleep deprivation for almost forty eight hours was something my body was craving for so long. The train was OK but the bus travel was straight out of the badlands of India. The moment I entered the bus I knew to save myself from the waking nightmare I have to sacrifice my sleep. Agra to Dehradun thirteen hours thirty minutes of my nerve testing. And how true  I was actually I never got a chance too close my eyes now to put it more poetically i never allowed my eyelids to meet together i guess they missed each other badly the whole night and were cursing me for my stupid bravery. But while travelling and looking out of the window I remembered something from another night years back when I was travelling through the entire strech of the night, sleep had left me over then also as I covered the distance  between Ahmedabad and Gandhidham my mind wandered between two strain of thoughts, two pictures; one had my father sleeping in a medically induced coma and another had my father lying cold and alone in a mortuary; the latter came out to be true and all the while, in a span of28 hours I had travelled from Agra to Delhi to Ahmedabad to Gandhidham, knowing all the while that he is no more, hoping against hope that I am wrong and he is alive,lying to my mother's hopeful eyes,crying dry tears. That night I had travelled the greatest distance of my life,a twenty year old to a 50 year old, strange the roads, the cities looked so identical across the length and breadth of India yet they sere so different while being similar. As I kept on jumping from one thought to another the night passed by sleepless. The cities were kissing me good night they were silent and looked tired, the shutters of the shops were heaving a sigh of relief as if they were the shroud that the shops wore and they were breathing heavily in their sleep. There were people running along the road seen in irregular intervals all night long still wondering who they were?

Six thousand feet above the sea level, read the board, my friend  and tour guide intently closed his eyes, guess vertigo defies all musings of philosophy. But then curse nerves I don't even feel a proper bout of vertigo, it was my second day after Dehra we moved to Mussorrie as the bus moved up my mind ran blank and I sat still thinking nothing and my brain felt clear of confusion for the first time in years. I looked at him and I looked out to capture the scenic hills in the best camera ever made, human eyes a thought ran into my mind, I was so fascinated with the window seats since my childhood that I could fight and die to grab one true, some things don't change ever no matter where you have been or what you have done the innocence within you never dies, the child within you refuses to bough down to our adulthood. Some people whom we know part ways with us silently and become strangers and when they come back, we realize they were never lost but were safe within us as memories or symbols of our phases. I pat his head gently and he smiles half in sleep, my memories of the childhood innocence. And all of a sudden I miss my brother, the purest form of relation I have ever lived.

 One thing that amazed me that people didn't forget how to smile, even the strangers smiled back at me and I felt at peace on the assurance of the existence of a simple emotion called humanity.
 The roads winded up, skewed closer to the sky, the hills, the houses on the hills all passed us with feverish admiration of our eyes.

We walked tirelessly towards Ruskin Bond's home, the local boy who was there always for me while growing up everyone we asked regarding the directions smiled and directed us somewhat eagerly. It is said that oxygen drops at high altitudes but then why wasn't I breathless? Strange but then there was a certain ecstasy some kind of trance that made me more alive. We reached.


As I sat staring the wind chimes, hearing them a thought ran across my mind that I will be happy to die here and if that stops the time here I will be happy to die, I came here in confusion to seek answers. I was in a conflict, again and I was into two shreds, divided, I had just discovered my duality and was running away from it still going nowhere. The more I ran the more I got dangerously closer to facing my inner most demons, I had led a cloaked life for the last seven years, sealing in tightly my demons, my muses of creativity to lead a “normal” materialistically happy life and I loved what I was doing still my old lover called me and it told me to leave but I didn’t want to as somewhere while acting to be in conformity with the society I had grown within me a dangerous thing for real, Moral obligation and then it happened I heard two sounds one of bamboo another metal and the harmony they produced together and then in me came a realization that my life, my being, my existence is as multifaceted and harmonious in its dual existence and now here I stand that I want both of them, I can’t be as crazy as I was before neither can I succumb to conformity. My existence lies in this duality and I was ready  to wear masks while I always will have two faces.

I closed my eyes and my mind ran clear. I felt a bliss never known of. I would have sat there for eternity but then my friend called me up and I joined him back reluctantly on my way back happy still and at peace.

A special thanks to my friend Vaibhav Shrivastava for some amazing photographs that he clicked. Image courtesy Vaibhav Shrivastava.

In the Midst Of All- Chapter- Minus One, Beginning


"What is your life?........Is it what you live or is it what you feel........." asked he, while looking suddenly and intently at me as if trying to strip search my soul. As he says that the only option now was to look at the blue lake and smile without giving an answer. His questions, I knew will never meet my answers. I was living flexibly in a brittle life, living every moment as it passed by.

There was silence for I don't know what span of time but it was between eternity and a few seconds. 

Then he looked towards the lake and smiled and said breaking the silence "You talk in midst of your silence using the air around you as words" 

 This time I don't look at the blue lake, I look at him, I soak into his stare for as long as I can. At this moment I know he is mine and this I know for sure but the next moment he might be not mine. I don't know and I don't bother anymore. I let my soul feel his amorous stare touch it's existence and let myself live completely for the moment.

But then all good things have a limit otherwise they loose their essence and wander aimlessly. So, I stand and expose my glistening and shimmering diamond of a body to the mellow sun while my feet were digging slowly in the pure white shimmering sun. I look at him and smile. My moment with him is over for now. My thirst for his intimacy around my existence is quenched for now. I don't need him, he is poison for me now. 

I dive. My body feeling the luke warm water of the lake as if it is a soft blue silk.  I swim just like a dolphin coming out and diving in. Above me is a sky as blue as it should be and has never been. A sense of serenity and thrill engulfs me and then I see the white mountain.  I see him again there but only this time he has a different face still trying to strip me down to search my soul........

But then I shout "It’s no use I will not let you know me.......caresses me..........where it matters the most........."  Then I hit something.................and think "Now what was that?..............